One thing that does not elude me is that I'm fat. I'm overweight. I've known this for many years. It's not like I woke up yesterday and realize "Hey, I'm not thin!" No, that's not the case. I know I'm fat.
People pointing out to me that I'm fat is irritating and can sometimes be offensive. It's as if they think I'm not aware of my girth, when I truly am. Sometimes, it's more annoying than hurtful and other times, it's meant to be nice but it's upsetting.
Today was one of those days. I got my feelings hurt, and though the girl had no idea she was marring my self image, she did. I'm at that stage in my weight loss journey where I don't always think of how people view me, unless they give me a reason to. I am, what some might call, autistically sensitive.
I had just gotten to the college and was sitting down, reading my book and eating my banananananana. The moment I get to school, I become oblivious to other people. I just sit there and do my own thing until it's time to go to class. Well, for the past few weeks, I've noticed this chick, who also sits in the area I'm sitting, she's always staring at me. Mostly when I'm eating my bagel or muffin. It's quite anxious making.
For the most part, I ignore her. People stare at me all the time, I just assume I look odd to people. In the deeper recesses of my mind, I even thought she wanted to befriend me but I'm not the type of person who makes the first move on those types of things. Probably the reason I'm still single.
Anyhow, today she came up and spoke to me. It was very odd, very eerie even. She came up from behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. People who know me best know that I don't like being touched but I cringed slightly and turned towards her.
"Can you come outside, I want to speak with you." Okay. I told her I would and started grabbing up all my stuff in case this was a ploy to steal the two dollars I had in my wallet, I grabbed my bananananana and other junk and walked outside with her.
In my head was reeling the possibilities for this meet up. Maybe she was too shy to talk in front of other people. Maybe she wanted to ask me out (she coulda been a dyke). Maybe she wanted to invite me to a club or some kind of secret society within the school. Maybe she wanted money. It was, for the moment, a slight adventure. At least until we got outside.
When we got outside, I faced her and waited for her to start talking. I set my stuff down and took another bite of my bananananananana. She then started going into this spiel about her weight loss and how she managed to get it off and keep it off. She was still chunky but I didn't say that. I continued to listen as my stomach started turning itself inside out, already aware of what she was about to present to me.
She was pushing this product called Herbal Life, or something to that extent and said in two weeks I could lose twenty pounds.
"I think you would benefit from this," she said as I stood there, starting to blush and pulling my shirt down over my stomach (something I do when I'm nervous, usually about my weight). "I'm not insinuating anything, I think you're beautiful but I think you could use this. It would do wonders for you."
I'm standing there with a confused look on my face and she continues describing it like I give a fuck. She took out a magazine and handed it to me and I just gawked at her.
She started telling me how much it cost and I cut her off right there, saying, "I can't afford this." And walked off. I could have said more, should have said more and wanted to say a lot of things to her. Like how I used to be on the borderline of four hundred pounds. Like how I stopped eating fast food and haven't had it for two years. Like how I have been working off the weight, albeit slowly, for the past two years. Like how I had lost fifty pounds since January. Like how I was already dieting and exercising. Like how none of my clothes really fit me.
Instead, I hung my head and walked away. I went to the second floor of the building, opened up my book and pretended to read it. I was actually staring off in between the words on the page, trying to figure out what led her to approach me with this bullshit. There were other people sitting down, doing homework, eating and reading. Why me?
To others, my girth is overlooked and they can see past that to the personality. But I guess some people are appearance-only types. And while I attempted to lick my wounds and move on, I couldn't shake the feeling of disgust I was suddenly showered with. I'm fat. Others can see it too. It's noticeable. And maybe some people judge me on that.
And what if I was happy with my size? She would have given me a reason to be paranoid. How many people's days does she ruin to push some shit product anyways?
I know I shouldn't let one person bring down my entire day but being the emotional retard that I am, I am thrown back into the depression I was slowly climbing out of. I don't like people assuming things about me. Suddenly, I am very self conscious of the outfit I chose to wear today. I'm overly aware of what I eat. I'm overly aware of how I eat.
One person it took, to ruin my day, which was starting out pretty decent. One person. Someone who didn't even know me. Someone who knows nothing about me. Someone trying to push her products on fat people. Because perhaps, I was the fattest one in the room today.
This is a blog run by Suge and Kimmeh of the infamous NIN.com. Here, they share their adventures, thoughts, and rants about society at large. What they say might be offensive, hilarious, or downright awesome. In other words, they have a lot of spare time.