WHERE'S MAH PURSE???!!!

Yesterday, my brother took me and my friend Miriam to a movie. He paid for everything, which shocked me. That's not to say that my brother isn't a generous person, he just has other priorities.

I must have been in quite a stupor from having him pay for everything because upon leaving the theater, I left something behind, in addition to my dignity for seeing the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, which was kind of terrible.

I leave the theater and head to the gym for yoga. When I get there, I realize I'm early. OH HAPPY DAY! That means I can do a few minutes of cardio before jumping into twisting my body into the form of a pretzel and hearing my bones snap and my muscles quiver.

As I pull into the parking lot, I absentmindedly grab at my purse, or the area where my purse normally is. My lips were chapped and my chap stick was in the purse. But my purse is nowhere to be found. I sit in the car, dumbfounded. There has to be a logical reason for this.

I sit there for about two minutes trying to make sense of it all when I realize that I never walked out of the theater with my purse. Eventually, I put two and two together and realize my purse must still be in the theater.

I hit the back roads to get to the theater as soon as possible. I'm driving like a maniac before I realize that if I get pulled over, I'm fucked because I don't have my license. I slow it down.

When I get to the theater, I sprint from my car to the front doors and thrust myself in. I'm looking around, it's tuesday and the place is empty. I look for someone who works there.

"Hi, you don't know me but I think I left my purse in one of the theaters!" I say, out of breath. Let's face it. Nearly fifty pounds lost and I still huff and puff from a four second jog.

The guy stares at me like I'm from another planet. I suddenly have an intense urge to piss myself and run away.

"Was it about this big?" the guy makes a motion with his hands.

"Yes!"

"Did it have weird animals on it?" he asks.

"Yes!"

"Are they like, dead super hero animals?"

"For the love of god YES!"

"What's wrong with you? That's a weird purse," I give him a look that either says I'm borderline retarded or I'm gonna fuck you up. He points me in the direction of the managers office.

"She has it," he says. "You'll have to knock on her door to get it, you can't just walk in there."

"Okay, just knock on the door, got it." I saunter over to the managers door. The pipsqueak is still rambling about not knocking forcefully and knocking no more than three times. I pound on the door anxiously and wait for it to open.

I notice the door has two peepholes. I hear a meek, "who is it?" from the inside. Did I accidentally just step into twilight zone? Why not just open the door? Why sound so fragile behind the door?

"It's me," I say without thinking that they probably don't know who me is. "I have a problem," I quickly add.

"Yes?"

I pause for a moment. "Are you gonna open up?"

"What's your problem ma'am?" The voice responds. Suddenly, it's like I'm talking to the great and powerful Oz.

"I left something in one of the theaters," I say. I hear nothing and wait for the great and powerful Oz to tell me to bring back the wicked witch's broomstick and he'll grant me a wish. Then I hear the door unlock. Really? I thought. A face peeks out and looks at me. The manager, I presumed. And not male, like I had thought.

"What are you missing?" She asks. My first thought was to make a joke. I thought about saying "My soul," or "The broken pieces of my heart," but this bitch looked pretty serious.

"I left my purse in one of the theaters," I say. "It's about this big," (insert hand gesture here), "and it has dead animal superheroes on it. I can has?"

She disappears behind the door briefly and returns with me purse. A look of pure joy and ecstasy flood my face. I grab for it and she pulls it out of reach.

"Are you sure?" She asks.

"Yeah," I reach for it again and she pulls it out of reach yet again.

"But are you sure?" She asks once more.

"Yeah I'm sure, gimme!" I grab it out of her hands, not wanting to play her jedi mind tricks. She gave me a dirty look before disappearing behind the double peepholed door. I can tell they were about to look through it before I had gotten there. The zipper is half opened. I look inside and check everything thoroughly, to make sure none of my credit cards are missing, that my camera is in tact and has no new noodz on it, to make sure messages hadn't been written in my little notebook. All is where I'd last left it. I skip gingerly to the car and get in and drive back to the gym.

Losing a purse is serious business... Especially to theater folk.

~Suge