Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'm a sad panda

Lately I've been depressed. I've been searching and searching for any kind of cause or trigger but I've yet to find one. I'm sad all the time. I hang out with my friends when I can (and when they can) and when I'm not with them, I'm at home, crying. Or contemplating doing something bad. I've managed to sustain but the urge is like an itch and if I don't scratch it, it becomes more powerful.

I feel like a strain on others and I tend not to lean too much on the people in my life, just because I don't want to lose them as friends. I feel like I have so much on my plate right now, and I'm not hungry for any of it.

Imagine, me. Not hungry. HA! I crack myself up.

Work is the same. Sometimes I bust my ass and sometimes I wonder what the point is. I can work harder all I want but I hardly get any acclaim for it. Increasing my story load, working after hour events, trying to be nice to certain coworkers, why? I'm not getting paid extra and I'm not moving forward in life because of my extra work. I just do things. Without motivation, without reason.

But I keep trying.

And school? Pssssh. A year ago, I was super excited to be pursuing an interest of mine, and now I wonder if I'm pursuing the wrong interest. I have always loved taking pictures. But I've also loved writing. And I stopped going to school for writing because I felt like that was a useless degree. Photography seemed tangible. And I still love it, but I don't feel like going to school. I'm just, unmotivated. I feel like I'm not all there.

But my depression has always been like this. It comes in waves. A month ago, I was fine. And now, I feel like I've let the world fall apart.

Some people suggest medication, therapy. I'm thinking of both but in the past, the efforts have been deemed useless to me and I've dropped them like a bad habit. You probably can't cure me. I'm one of those lost causes or something. And I have serious issues with my appearance lately.

Serious issues. Like I feel like the ugliest person alive. I feel so grotesque that looking in a mirror is painful. I feel like I should be dead, because there is very little about me that is appealing. I feel like a monster, I feel surrounded by beautiful, wonderful, successful, accomplished people. And I'm this ugly troll wearing a mask, trying desperately to fit in, knowing that I'm failing.

Yes, yes, I know everyone will tell me that it will get better in time. And I believe you. But this is right now. And right now, it all sucks. The depression has me bogged down, I escape through writing but into darker worlds where I learn to appreciate true suffering.

I'm sure it'll all go away eventually, but then it will all come flooding back as well. Sometimes, I wonder where I get the courage to go on. Or if I'm just going through the motions. And when will I snap?

<3 Suge

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